Building

I like to test myself, to push myself and see how much of something I can withstand. This part of me does not get along with the "oww-baby" part of me, the part that savors comfort. I think it is this contradiction that makes life interesting. This morning, it was the test-yourself part that awoke early. There is this mat, which I described in a previous post. It is a simple, plastic mat with ridges on it. And it hurts like hell to kneel on. In fact, I could not stand it for very long before I was blubbering and crying last time my Keyholder had me on it. I always have this idea in my head of being stoic during punishments, of suffering, but doing so quietly. In my eyes, looking at it from a top's perspective, there is nothing sexier than seeing a quiet tears, and this is what I want to give my Keyholder. But the "oww-baby" comes out far too soon. Thus the need to train, to push myself. So, this morning I woke up with a need to do that. I got out the mat, got out the timer, and proceeded to see how long I could kneel on it, in "child's pose" so that the weight was distributed to my shins. The mat doesn't mess around; it is painful from second one. My legs, especially my shins and the tops of the feet, were in instant agony. I focused on breathing, focused on the pain, tried to will it away. I thought of my Keeper resting her feet on me in this position, of standing before me, observing me, drinking me in. Trying to shift was fruitless -- it only brought new pain. Holding still was the best solution. I tried as best I could, and finally rolled off. It felt like half an hour. It was just under three minutes. Now I have a benchmark, and I can present this to my Keyholder, as I do here, as to where my current limit lies. I know she will expand that limit. I'm also excited because today I get to clean for my Keyholder. I feel I do not perform enough service to her. I have a very full and busy life, and my Keyholder respects this. But, it would be nice to exist as nothing but a slave, and not be distracted with little things like power bills and car insurance. :)